I was trying to put on a bra this morning (wow, it sounds like I’ve never done that before), but I got distracted and was walking around with one strap on my shoulder and the rest dangling like a purse (as you do).
And that’s when I realized how much more I’d enjoy my bras if they were multi-purpose. What if my bra actually had a pocket instead of shoving dollar bills in there willy-nilly? Also, and this is a stretch, what if I had a dildo protruding from my chest, but, and this is crucial, it’s not a dildo, but a hanger for my jacket (or a dildo, if you prefer). Besides, bras already feel like a strap-on, amirite ladies? No? No one?
Then I’d have a unicorn bra or a uni-boob! Wait, that’s something entirely different.
On another note, now that we’re on the topic of bras (No, Melanie, you were the only one talking about bras), can we break down how easy that lady who is a construction worker by day, dancer by night, who has big dreams, was able to remove her bra in that one scene from that one movie that one time?
When I googled the name of the movie, all of these images of construction workers working a pole came up. Here you go, you’re welcome.
FLASHDANCE! That’s the movie. Well, do you know that scene where she takes her bra off under her sweater? And it’s sexy and cool and totally unrealistic? Let me break down what happens when I try to do that.
I get stuck, I basically just get stuck. Like every time.
Oh wow, I looked up the scene name and its called, “Alex gets comfortable”. That’s amazing. So relatable.
I HATE WEARING BRAS! I just had to put that somewhere. Below all the fun stuff about a woman following her dreams. It feels like you’re going into battle when you start the day selecting a bra.
Bralette – Will I be cold today and my nipples will spring out and possibly poke someone in the eye?
Sports bra – Will I be running (maybe from something?) and my boobs will become out of sync and one will stray from the usual rhythm and slap me in the face?
Razorback – Why is this an option? Bras are already hard enough to get on. Now I have to wiggle my way through this contraption just so my racy straps won’t be seen by the public eye under this complicated tank top.
Strapless – Should I wear this knowing this bra will slowly slip down and eventually land around my belly button giving me the “You have a tumor” look which will lead to the “You have a tumor” talk. Not again, my friends.
The Seducer – That’s what I call any bra that isn’t really functional but is what you wear on a date or when you run out of other bras because you never do laundry so you lounge around the house sipping martinis and feeling like a Bonds girl.
The Push-Up – Did anyone else covet this bra in middle school because Sarah had huge breasts and tissue stuffing wasn’t cutting it? Now I hate them because I feel like I’ve strapped foam-based weaponry to my chest. Someone cut me out of this thing.
The Classic – Just your run of the mill bra. The bra you wanted when you walked into Victoria Secret before someone from the sales team convinces you that you need one that sparkles and shoots fireworks from your nipples. You love to hate it but at the end of the day, it protects you from chaffing and wandering eyes.
Someone invent something better. We’re literally one step away from the corset and breast bags. That was actually a thing. Breast bags. Look them up.
I don’t have time to, I’m still trying to put on my bra.