You’re probably thinking, the title of this lead me to believe I was going to be given proper life advice involving minty fresh breath. Or you’re thinking, “I thought I clicked on porn but why are there so many words.” Well, if the latter, I am terribly sorry for the disappointment. When you click on Girls Aren’t Funny it can only go one of two ways.
Anyway back to my Listerine anecdote, I was on a date. One of those good ones where you’re wearing comfy shoes and the kitchen accidentally makes an extra dessert and suddenly there’s twice as much cheesecake on the table.
By the time the check came my bladder had decided six glasses of sweetened ice tea is too much for it to handle, and my pancreas has decided I may have given myself diabetes, and Nick has realized he’s paying for dinner. So I leave.
I glide over to the powdered room in my dainty, feminine, on-a-date like way and realize I have the bathroom all to myself. Now this is a nice restaurant so of course there are couches outside of the stalls because we all know the best place to wait for a table in fancy restaurants is the bathroom (pro tip).
I pick my stall and relieve myself, and when I say relieve I am so relieved that I let out a low guttural sound to express my relief. I had a whole ice tea pitcher waiting to come out.
I open the door to find one of the employees quietly cleaning the sinks. In my attempt to avoid tension I struck up a conversation to show her that I was not ashamed of the noises I made while expressing gratitude for not peeing my pants (Well, I was wearing a dress, does that change things? What was the phrase ladies used when they couldn’t socially wear pants? I guess ladies didn’t talk of such things. This is why I should have gone to cotillion. At least I would’ve learned what fork to use).
I noticed small glass bottles filled with blue liquid.
“I just love when restaurants supply mouthwash. So thoughtful! I mean not all dates like the taste of those caramelized onions after you’re done with them, if you know what I mean?”
She just smiled and continued wiping.
“Well personally I think it’s a great idea. It looks like you’re out of little cups though. I guess I’ll have to do the hand scoop method.”
Again she smiled and cleaned.
“Oh, thicker than I thought.”
Then I proceeded to lick this blue liquid in my hand.
It was soap.
You probably already gathered this.
Good for you.
Do you want a medal?
I want mouthwash.
I left the bathroom and moved to sit down across from Nick.
“You don’t want to know the disgusting thing I just did in that bathroom.”
A confused and slightly intrigued older man stared back at me.
I calmly exited the situation and found Nick at the table next to him.
“We should go.”