I recognize I’m young. I revel in my youthfulness because it excuses me from having my life together. However, I have noticed a huge difference now I’m a couple years into my twenties.
I was on the bus from Dublin back to my Nana’s house when a toddler pulled herself up onto the seat next to me. She looked up at her mom and yelled “Mama sit!” and pointed at my seat. As if I was going to give up the seat for her precious mother! As if. I fought for this seat, bitch. This little girl thought she was cute but I knew better than to fall for her charms.
Did I mention I’m a horrible person?
The rest of the bus ride she played one of her baby apps on an IPad that made loud noises the whole bus cringed through. I’m not sure if this happens to all women but the closer you get to your peak as a baby-making machine you see them everywhere. Babies I mean, not IPads. Who buys IPads anymore? Babies.
They’re everywhere just reminding you of your ovaries. I had heard of this phenomenon from women older than me and through film classics like Baby Mama but I didn’t take their wisdom seriously. I’m years away from ever purposely conceiving but I recognize I have to make the decision at some point.
Your babies make me uncomfortable. OK, sometimes they’re cute when they’re dressed up as polar bears. Which is apparently a trend across Europe. It’s amazing.
Here is a baby in a polar bear outfit for your viewing pleasure:
Also, to feed your curiosity, this was also offered up to me when I googled babies dressed up as animals.
Does your baby stay up all night [and dig through your trash]?
Does your baby dream of living in Madagascar?
Or is your baby more of a party animal?
Well, forget about buying your kid a winter coat when you can wrap it in fake fur/jumpsuit!
Basically, I’m terrified of having kids so here’s my plan. I’m going to adopt a lonely 30-year-old when I’m in my 60’s. That way I don’t have to learn childrearing and THEN when I need someone to come over for Thanksgiving I’ll have a grown-ass adult bring over their best pies. Foolproof.
I know what you’re thinking, “There are so many kids who would love to be adopted!” Well, have you ever thought about the kids who weren’t adopted and lived their lives as an orphan and just want an old woman to bring pies to? Hmm? Did you think about that? I’m basically creating a charity.
My plan b involves having a kid and if I don’t like it I can drop it off at an orphanage. Hold on! Hold on! Put down the pitchforks, I’m not done yet. I’d come back when it’s 30 so it can bake me pies. Really it’s a win, win.
In all seriousness, I don’t know how to make the decision to have a kid (singular) or not. I can barely make my mind up about adopting a dog! Any thoughts?
Because I don’t want to tell my future kid/dog/30-year-old stranger that I chose them based on a pro/con list.
P.S. I saw this book cover and realized how much worse it would be to raise a zombie baby. You thought your kid gets messy with mashed peas? Try feeding it brains. Consider yourself #blessed.
