I almost got stuck in the bathroom today. I had been wandering around all day waiting for something embarrassing to happen to me as it usually does. And then it hit me.
I locked myself into a one person bathroom in a “coffeeshop” in Amsterdam so thankfully everyone was too high to notice a panicked woman stumble out of the bathroom after MINUTES of clicking the lock back and forth unsuccessfully.
What I really wanted to talk to you about is drug dealers. (This is called a segue.)
Tonight when my brother, Nick and I were walking home after a night at an Amsterdam local food festival we had the joy of approaching a group of men. Don’t you love that feeling that crawls all over you when you see a group of territorial-looking guys who are too old to be hanging out outside fast food restaurants but too young for old men bars?
Anyway, we eased through them and one (the peacock) spoke to us in English, “Welcome to Amsterdam”. I didn’t realize we had ‘tourist’ written on our foreheads but apparently it was evident we weren’t from around there.
Of course, Nick and I used our ‘ignore everything’ technique but I soon realized my brother was no longer with us. I looked back to see him and the peacock essentially circling each other, similar to boxing or Pokémon battles.
My first thought, “How will we carry the body of a 19-year-old, 6’7” man back to our place when this guy knocks him out?”.
Just kidding my first thought was, “rape”. I calculated every possible way it could end at that point. There were 6 grown men vs us. Does anyone else immediately go there?
I feel like as a woman we immediate calculate the chance of rape in any given scenario. Maybe that’s just me. I tend to selfishly think about my well-being.
Once we pulled my brother away he wouldn’t explain what the guy wanted. As we pushed into the Airbnb, the peacock drove around the corner in a neon green Vespa. It was the most European moment I’ve experienced so far in Europe.
This man followed us in his tiny green Vespa. That means if his friends all had multicolored Vespas he’d be in a biker’s gang. But with neon Vespas.
It was intimidating as hell.
We locked the door behind us but my brother refused to follow us into the apartment. He wanted to go out to this guy.
Nick and I went upstairs to look out the window and waited for my brother to join us. After what felt like forever he came back.
“What did that guy want?” I yelled.
“Oh, he just wanted to know if I wanted to buy drugs,” he said.
Was I in the “what not do” part of a DARE video?
Kids, when a drug dealer approaches you don’t interact with them, especially if they drive a green Vespa. If they were any good at being a drug dealer, they’d be driving something better than a green Vespa.
I waited be the window and prayed I wasn’t going to be part of Taken 4. Partially because I think Liam Neeson is slightly overrated.
The peacock hasn’t shown his face or his green Vespa since. So naturally I’ll just lay in a puddle of anxiety all night.
Oh the good all days when the most exciting part of my day was almost getting stuck in a toilet.