I needed a featured image for this post and when I searched “beautiful kidneys” no stock photos would appear. So I made my sister take a selfie with me. She’s too cool for me in her leather jacket and I just want her to love me. Also, the title of this post is going to rock my SEO game and possibly lead to an arrest.
When talking to children about their sickness symptoms always use extensive metaphors and personification.
For example, my sister’s kidneys were hurting. Usually, this would be cause for alarm. Possibly a kidney infection, etc.
Me: Your kidneys are just mad at you
Abigail: What are they mad at me for?
Me: You don’t pay them enough. They’re on strike.
Abigail: How do I pay them?
Me: Well, they’re just threatening you with the possibility of a strike. Really they’re just grumbling about their unfair pay. Eventually, they’ll get a raise but with a raise comes a higher workload. That’s just life.
Abigail: …
Me: To be honest I got lost in the middle of the metaphor. Drink some water. If that doesn’t work I’ll give you one of my own kidneys.
And this is why I didn’t become a doctor. It’s all about the lack of English composition skills.
And no I didn’t take her to the doctors because I believe in 19th-century medicine and covered her in leeches.
And no you can’t take her out of my custody because she wasn’t even mine in the first place so jokes on you Child Protective Services.
And yes you should ignore everything I said because we both realized she was just experiencing period cramps. Being a woman is new to her, she only hit puberty this year.
I think it may be against some kind of sister code to talk about her period on the internet.
I feel giddy with this much power. Everyone should talk about their sister’s period.
Sidenote (like total sidenote, like this is barely related to anything and you should probably turn around now): Today I realized I want to one day write a movie just so I can film one specific scene.
You know how in most* comedies there’s a scene where a guy’s penis is revealed. I’m hesitant to Google this for you because honestly, I’m scared of what will pop up on my screen in this busy coffee shop.
*I use the word ‘most’ loosely. Maybe not the majority of comedies result in a mail/male package being delivered.
Oh jesus, I typed in “comedies where a guy whips out his ween” into the search bar and this photo showed up.
These kids and their parents look way too eager. I hope it’s their parents.
Anyways that took a strange turn. I simply wanted to say that instead of Seth Rogen walking around in a way-too-small robe with his penis flying around for a few laughs, all I want out of life is to write a scene where a woman walks around with her cat hanging out with just a full bush. Is that too much to ask for?
I asked my sister and she said it was way too much to ask for. Also to close my robe when I walk around her bedroom.
Oh, sisters.