I’m just going to get right to it. Nick bought bulk condoms. Well, he bought condoms in bulk. They weren’t bulky.
He thought,”Hey, we’re a couple who is sexually involved with each other and I don’t want to impregnate/possibly give you diseases I may or may not have but those sex ed videos scared me about everything so I’ll just buy a lot of condoms at once to save money like buying toilet paper in bulk.” Except the thought was more erotic. I hope.
Maybe he is just so practical that our sex lives are decided on a budget. We are still searching for jobs so I wouldn’t put it past him.
Anyways, you’re probably wondering why am I sharing this very personal and practical decision with you dear people? Because apparently, it is not just between us anymore so I might as well let you in on a terribly embarrassing moment so maybe one of you will have words of wisdom or sympathy.
We’re staying with Nick’s parents right now to get our shit together after our big adventure in Europe. So Nick sent the condoms here. To his parent’s house. Do you see where this is going?
The package arrived in a giant box for some odd reason. For some other odd reason, the package was addressed to his mom and arrived on her birthday. Are you cringing with me?
As we were preparing for her birthday dinner, just chopping away, she put the box on the counter.
Nick said, “Hey, I’m waiting for a package, that might be mine”.
“It’s addressed to me though.”
“Oh okay.”
Oh okay? This was the response ringing in my ears as the packet of bulk condoms were pulled out and put on the counter. Like a shit ton of condoms.
“Were you waiting for condoms?”
“Yes,” I squeaked like a teenager caught with weed. Or condoms, I guess.
“Awkward family moment!” she said.
I should’ve left it at that, but then I said,
“I mean, do we at least get points for being safe?”
Because that’s what I wanted to do, continue the conversation. Let’s just extend it into a full Health class lecture. In my panic, I lost all ability to maintain normalness and I could only think of condoms being rolled onto bananas by strangely calm teachers.
This led to the three other thoughts:
- Do teachers throw out the bananas afterward or do they end up as an ingredient in their mother’s famous banana bread recipe?
- Does the banana bread taste like dick?
- I want banana bread
- Not because it may or may not taste like dick
Since this moment I’ve been coming up a list of better responses to the situation:
- “Oh don’t worry those condoms aren’t for sex, we’re hosting a water balloon fight later”
- “Nicholas! You’re cheating on me? You know I refuse to have sex before marriage.”
- “Those aren’t for us, we’re actually donating those to Planned Parenthood because I’m a good person who supports women’s reproductive rights.”
- Run away, simply run away
Now every time we go into the guest bedroom together I am distinctly aware of how she may be thinking we’re having sex when we’re not even having sex. I need non-sex noises to play while we’re in there. There’s no way we could be having sex if there’s just a soundtrack of dolphin and whale noises.
But hey, if it does it for you, don’t let me get in the way!
Ok, I’m gonna go now and eat birthday cake. Because this happened on her birthday. Her freaking birthday. So sorry, so very sorry.