My featured image couldn’t be a picture of my nipple. It just couldn’t. I’m sorry. So I give you a picture of kitties instead, because it rhymes with titties.
This week has been a week of growth. I went to a networking event for Girls Aren’t Funny and confirmed a cohost for our podcast.
But I don’t want to talk to you about growth. I want to talk to you about my damn mosquito bites.
I don’t know what kind of hell I’m living in where it is both 110 degrees AND there’s mosquitos. Are these mosquitos hyped up on post-apocalyptic fever? (I recognize that sentence made no sense, I am just too damn itchy to care).
Today is different. Today, one mosquito went too far.
I have a giant bug bite on my nipple. Yes, I’m about to go into detail about my nipple because I need your sympathy, not your judgement.
No bug should be anywhere near my nipple. Only lovers, handsy doctors and babies should have access to my nipples.
Well, not all babies. Just a few. Like my future babies if I was to have babies.
That is a whole other conversation that I don’t have to dive into, Mom!
#defensive #freethenipples
This morning, my lover, Nicholas, walked in on me in the bathroom slapping my boob around in the attempt to numb it.
#sexy #donttrythisathome
I then started to worry about cancer because in elementary school there was this myth that if you get hit in the boob too hard it gives you cancer.
So I started to research cancer.
Then I started yelling, “I need cream!”. For no apparent reason.
Then I thought, “What if this isn’t a bug bite and I’m growing a third nipple?”
I went back to researching and found an article titled, 18 Surprising Third Nipple Statistics. This intrigued me as I didn’t know there were that many nipple statistics, let alone 18 unpredictable ones.
Here are a couple ones that stood out to me:
- 27.2 million Americans are believed to have an extra nipple somewhere on their body – so get looking!
- There are no specific guidelines for taking care of extra nipples – we’ll have to make our own, starting with cream.
- No two nipples look alike – so that third nipple will be just as special
- A third nipple will naturally secrete oils that help to fight bacteria – I read this as “secret” oils which made me excited with the possibilities for my possibly very special third nipple that has a community of people who could overrun the essential oils industry with our secret secreting
So there you have it. Excuse me while I go roll around the bathroom floor.
Xoxo,
Funny Girl