I haven’t worn underwear in almost two weeks.
This is not necessarily a personal choice. After recently moving to New York City, I realize I simply do not have enough quarters in my life to successfully use a laundromat.
The apartment complex I live in has a laundry room that requires a refillable card. I would love a card of my own, but I haven’t been able to track down the Laundry Fairy who gives out this precious device.
Many emails to the landlord, the building managers, and the laundry gods, I am still without fresh underwear. There is only so many thongs, briefs and diapers a girl can own.
It has certainly made wardrobe choices difficult. As I type I’m currently in a ridiculous creation of clothing in order to hide my genitalia.
Therefore, it is fitting to provide a list of underwearless outfits just in time for New York Fashion Week (#NYFW).
- Day Clubbing
- Why wait until your night out to bust out a skin-tight skirt to make sure you really tape your legs together? This look also doubles as a hip abductor exercise in your free time. Pair this with Keegles and your pelvic region will thank you. (And hopefully, repay you in underwear.)
- Boyfriend Boxers
- Heard of boyfriend jeans? Well instead of paying 60 bucks for ill-fitted pants, just sneak into a man of your choice’s drawers *wiggles eyebrows*. My personal favorite is the boxer brief as they also work for volleyball practice. (If you’re into that exercise stuff.)
- Long dresses
- Relate to the freedom of the Scots in their kilts and stride proudly on a hot summer day. If you feel like Little House on the Prairie or a member of a cult in a Lifetime movie you’ve gone too far*.
- Non-denim pants
- For those risk takers out there, you can experience full commando with a cold zipper pressed up against your hoo-ha (yes, that’s a medical term for vagina). I strongly advise against skinny jeans as underwear was apparently made to protect our flowers from being crushed by denim. But if you can find softer fabric and a looser fit, tread lightly and go for it.
- Jumpsuits
- Inside a jumpsuit, you are completely sealed to the point that you will have to fully undress to use the bathroom. Try not to make eye contact through the bathroom stalls. Coworkers just want to wash their hands, not experience a moment with you that they will remember even when you bring doughnuts to the morning meeting. I’m sorry, Karen, I thought sprinkles could fix this**.
Editor’s Note:
*At all costs avoid skirts, dresses or long shirts that don’t go past your knees. Find something cute that can blow in the wind without recreating a Marylin Monroe moment with less iconic photography and more public indecency arrests. #airitout
** She is really sorry, Karen, let it go.